LXII | 08/05 | 03:24 PM ~ The Hate

I hate Alex.

I've thought about it for a long time, days, weeks, seconds, minutes, hours. When he sleeps, I've traced his face with my palm and I've wanted to crush it. To pull out his eyeballs and swallow them. To grab his tongue and smash it against the wall. To pull out each and every one of his teeth and flush them down a toilet. To skin him alive and hold it against an open flame.

I can't kill him.

I debated it. Leaving him near the school, with those bullet wounds, he wouldn't last long. I would be better off. More food. More ammo. By myself

By myself?

Want to know a secret? Just between you and me? Pinky promise?

I can't imagine it. I can't see it. Can't even think about it. About being alone.

Is that strange? I don't love him, I really, REALLY hate him. So why can't I leave him? Well, it's complicated. But if you really want to know...

I can't exist without Alex.

Do you think I'm exaggerating? Being overly sentimental? Perhaps you think I just don't want to kill Alex? That I really secretly like him?

I'm not lying.

If Alex died, I would die. I know this as surely as I know that I'm the one that will end up killing him. Just like I know Alex is infected-

Oops. That's a secret. I'm not supposed to know that yet. Neither are you. Forget that. Pretty please?

Thanks.

There are things I know. And things I don't know. A lot of things I don't know. You and me are probably similar in that respect.

That actually brings up another question. Who are you?


That's something else I know. I know you're there, but I don't know who you are. I guess it doesn't matter, I fucking hate you regardless.

I brought Alex to the hospital yesterday. I didn't know what to do for his bullet wounds, I rushed him to the hospital in a blind rush. I don't know what I was thinking. But he was dying, there was blood everywhere, and I was... I was fading...

I found a doctor here. It was sheer luck I found anyone at all. St. Rudnick's Hospital is a sprawling complex of buildings and facilities. The good doc was holed up on the second floor of a security ward, hiding out with a nice stockpile of drugs and grub. I was carrying Alex on my back and I ran into him on the blocked streets outside the hospital gates.

I cried a little and the nice doctor was as helpful as could be. He showed me inside his hideout, told me about the Cat in the basement levels and how he used it to keep his hideout relatively safe, and he even treated Alex for his bullet wounds. Such a nice guy, he seemed kind of lonely. Kind of shell-shocked. He was really happy to see other survivors. Didn't even ask me if Alex was bitten or infected when he first saw the blood...

I shot him in the neck after he told me what to do for Alex. Then I dumped his body for the Cat.

So now I'm with Alex in the room the doc used for a hideout. It's a pigsty, the floor's littered with magazines (mostly prono), garbage (mostly candy), and clothes (most nurse's uniforms). Alex is on the bed, sleeping peacefully. His heartbeat is steady and getting stronger.

It makes me sick.

Waiting, counting the seconds by the flicking candlelight...